HEY, IT’S ME. GOLEMSUCKS.
Now I’m sure you’re wondering: what the hell is this shitstain doing back on my good christian forums? WELL ALLOW ME TO FUCKING EXPLAIN.
WHO HERE HAS SEEN ANY OF THE BALANCE CHANGES SINCE RUMHAM WAS HIRED? ALL OF YOU? GOOD. BECAUSE IM FUCKING PISSED OFF. THEY. HAVE. BEEN. TERRIBLE!!!
ALLOW ME TO BEGIN BY EXPLAINING RUMHAM’S LIKELY PROCESS FOR DETERMINING BALANCE CHANGES:
1) Purchase monkey from local zoo.
2) Place said monkey in front of a motherfucking typewriter.
3) See what it writes.
4) LOL FUCK WHAT THE MONKEY WROTE, LETS DO SOME SHIT THATS LIGHTYEARS WORSE!
THATS RIGHT, /R/CLASHROYALE WANNABE WEBSITE, I FUCKING HATE THESE BALANCE CHANGES SO MUCH I LEGITIMATELY BELIEVE A FUCKING MONKEY COULD MAKE BETTER ONES.
Let’s begin by focusing on the most recent balance changes. The November 5th ones just announced. HOT OFF THE FUCKING PRESSES.
Dear November balance update: IN THE WISE WORDS OF THE COMMUNITY ROYALE SUBREDDIT BOT’S ROASTING COMMAND…”We all sprang from apes, but you did not spring far enough.”
NORMALLY Balance changes are either 6/8, 7/8, or all 8/8 FUCKING AWFUL BULLSHIT. But this time it went beyond typical failure and reached a level my good friend Patrick from Spongebob is familiar with: advanced stupidity.
10 CHANGES: 2 GOOD. 2 TERRIBLE. 6 POINTLESS.
You did half the job you normally do! Congratulations, Su-fucking-per-fucking-cell!
Royal Ghost: Hitpoints -9%
ACTUALLY DECENT. SHOCKING, TBH.
Royal Hogs: Damage -6%
ALSO DECENT. At this point, i was thinking I may not have a reason to complain about the balance changes...boy, was I stupid.
Skeleton Barrel: Death Damage +62%
This one we may actually have to wait on...but right now, I’m saying its fucking stupid. That’s always a safe assumption with Supercell.
Tombstone: Spawn Speed slower 2.9sec -> 3.1sec. When destroyed, spawned skeletons reduced 4 -> 3
We get it. Tombstone needed a bit of a nerf. A BIT. NOT THIS FUCKING NONSENSE!!
Inferno Tower: Hitpoints +3%
Wha-...what the fuck? THIS LITERALLY CHANGES NOTHING.
Giant: Hitpoints -2%
Oooo a whole less shot to take him out. How ENTIRELY FUCKING USELESS.
Magic Archer: First attack slower
What the fuck is this supposed to do? Stop bridgespam? No.
Mega Knight: Hit Speed faster 1.8sec -> 1.7sec
Barely does anything other than make a pretty decent card a bit more OK.
Cannon Cart: Hit Speed slower 1.2sec -> 1.3sec
OOOO!! A WHOLE 0.1 SECONDS HIT SPEED CHANGE? Just like Mega Knight, absolutely useless.
Dart Goblin: Damage +4%
Ha-ha..ha…Yeah. What the fuck, Supercell? LETTING THE COMMUNITY VOTE AGAIN?! AFTER THE ICEWIZ SHITSTORM THAT META BECAME??! THE COMMUNITY WILL ALWAYS VOTE FOR MORE POPULAR CARDS WHEN ASKED WHAT THEY WANT BUFFED. ALWAYS!! NOT THE ONES THAT ACTUALLY NEED THE CHANGES. Decide on your OWN fucking changes, or just make them all. For fucks’ sakes, as shown by the amount of pointless changes you clearly just want to give the illusion you’re actually doing something other than sitting around looking at Bandit fan art. SO DO THEM BOTH IF YOU THINK THEY’RE BOTH VIABLE! You’re blatantly trying to deflect some of the blame for the stupid, terrible balance changes back on the community in the ultimate middle finger to the playerbase.
TL;DR FUCK THE BALANCE CHANGES, THEY’RE AWFUL. GET YO SHIT TOGETHER SUPERCELL.